I was ecstatic to move to California for a number of reasons. One of them was for the women. Dating was tough for me in Chicago and I found the most success dating Asian women. I knew California had a strong Asian foundation and with a new dating pool of women to select from, my luck would come in no time.

At first, I did experience a new pool of women to select from, but my quality of dates was not very good. A couple of my matches did not match their pictures or used somewhat deceiving photos, or the girls were dull and uninteresting. The most upsetting one was with a girl who could not stop texting during our drive or dinner. She was insistent upon going to Universal Studios as well, something I was not interested in. She was polite enough to buy me lunch, as she offered to take me out as my birthday gift. That was our second date and I never saw her again. Thinking back, I gave her a second chance because my luck with dates was so bad, I couldn’t turn down a lunch date with a girl. Now I know better.

A confusing girl I went on a few lunch dates with was obsessed with Uni, the Japanese name for sea urchin. She was a young working professional who met for for three or so lunch dates. She was very strange, as she never engaged in any conversation beyond food. I remember listening to her talk and talk, then suddenly I asked her, “What are looking for from your dates? Why are you dating?” She looked puzzled and said, “That’s really deep,” before carrying on about the food. She made a big deal about how she chose this placed based on their delivery route, getting the best and freshest fish. I tried to order a bowl of udon, a comfort food of mine, and she told me we should go to a different restaurant to get noodles and that I should get what she’s having. I paid for another date afterwards. What a waste of time.

Some girls took artsy photos of themselves or had weird angles. I wasn’t getting a lot of matches and I found these types of girls were more likely to match with me. Turns out, if you don’t have a normal good looking photo of yourself, you’re probably not that good looking. I tried overlooking the discrepancies between her profile and her self, but it was difficult in the nicest sushi restaurant in town. To my left and to my right were guys on dates with beautiful girls. I realized if my peripherals were more attractive than my focus, I was in a lost battle. I never saw her again.

I took a lot of lessons I learned from these girls and applied them to my dating profile. I was way more mysterious and aloof, I took much better pictures of myself, which required the aid of friends and the strategic use of backdrops, and I focused on my life experiences and charisma over “connecting” or being too similar to my date. One thing I had mistaken in Chicago was believing that my dating pool or my environment were holding me back. But really it was myself with my lack of experience, my lack of worldliness, and my lack of status. As I grew into myself and became more confident, my luck with girls came very naturally. It sounds cliché to say this because I wished for this confidence when I was 18. But as a young male adult, we don’t have any experience, worldliness, status, charisma, strength… it goes on.

I started getting more and more dates. Some were good, some were not. I learned a lot about women and how they saw men. I find that with just a little bit of sexual trust, women will tell you everything they think about men whether they consciously or subconsciously understand it themselves. Some women gave me chances based on my charisma, some based on my height and race, some on the pictures I had. Many rejected a second date with me because of laundry list of reasons: from status, to lifestyle, to income, to appearance, to my charisma, and more. I went on a date with a cardiac surgeon who spent her free time working on a board of health directors. She said it was hard to find tall Chinese men. I tried to play up my humor and my personal character. She asked if I spoke Chinese, so I joked and told her, “Only enough to disappoint my grandmother.” She looked disappointed. I tried to laugh about it and I asked her. She said yes without interest. I playfully asked, “Mandarin or Cantonese?” She said both. I glowed with excitement and said that’s amazing. She said, “No, it’s easy.” She did not want to be friends.

I went on a date with a girl who wore a sports suit and a large fake watch. She was the manager of her optometry store and worked a couple hustles on the side. She wasn’t my usual type, but I thought why not, it could be interesting. She controlled most of the conversation and asked a lot about my job and status. I did my best to match her energy and ask her the same questions back. I was interested in her position because I was learning managing as well, from an independent and remote type of work environment. My inexperience showed with the questions I had. Our chemistry had subdued pretty quickly and our meal had yet to come. I attempted to transition the conversation to a more friendly and professional tone. I asked her about dating in general and adulthood in general. She was quite open minded. She spoke about her dating experience and how it was difficult for her to date as well. I asked if she wanted to see each other more and she firmly declined. It felt like a bad interview.

Two dates in with a different girl and I had decided in the back of my mind that we should probably only be friends, I wasn’t very attracted to this woman. She had started taking a fond liking to me for my conversation and problem solving. She had difficulty changing her sleep schedule, which was something I had a lot of experience with and worked with in professional gaming. The more objective and knowledgeable I was about a subject, the more interested she was in my attention. She asked for more dates and I made it clear I only wanted to be friends. We would hang out and she would ask to take me out for dinner. She was persistent and I began to flirt back with her. We had casual sex and I agreed to go on a dinner date with her. She drove and paid for the date and I felt nauseous the whole time. I tried being friends with her, but she kept seeking sexual attention. The dinner was the last time I saw her.

I was with a younger girl, a freshman in college. It was a cute date, I was having some light-hearted fun. She was nice but a bit reserved. I asked to kiss her before I dropped her off. We made out a bit and she stayed in my car and chatted. I asked her about dating and sex. She laughed. She said she doesn’t go on many dates and that this was a cute experience. I laughed and agreed. I casually brought up when was the last time she had sex and she said recently. I like having honest conversations and she opened very naturally. She asked me about sex and I said it’s been a little while. She laughed again. I asked her, if she doesn’t go on dates a lot but is sexually active, if she had a recent boyfriend or something along those lines. She laughed. Her openness and honesty trailed off there. I tried to be playful about it and asked if she went out and looked for guys or if guys just hitted on her all the time. She took out her phone and gave me her number. “Why don’t you text me the next time you’re in the area?” She smiled and got out of the car. I texted her and she never replied.

I have a few bad dating stories that preclude this in Chicago. I’ll include those and how my good dates in California went in a future post.