In the beginning of 2022, I read a delightful book by one of my favorite authors, Malcolm Gladwell. The book was Talking to Strangers and details all the conceptions and misconceptions we have when communicating with others. I do need to revisit this book again, because this blog post isn’t necessarily about this book, but rather what I’ve come to find is true when speaking with others and becoming close with them.

I have an extremely varied history of hanging out with people of all walks of life. I’ve made friends with people in all sorts of settings, from hospital wards to hotel conventions, and homeless shelters to millionaire residences. An intriguing thing about meeting so many people is what it is like to become close to them and what our initial impressions of them inform us about them. Was that thing I noticed at first a red flag? Or was I just being far too judgmental?

A friend once told me, “What you see in the first ten seconds of meeting someone typically tells you all you need to know.” I was shocked by their statement and asked if they really meant it. “Yeah, what they say, how they act…”

I’ve heard more than one great quote about first impressions.

“You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” -Will Rogers

“Two things remain irretrievable: time and a first impression.” -Cynthia Ozick

“You only have one first chance to make one first impression that lasts a lifetime.” -Nas

But to what merit do first impressions really hold? Don’t people typically move with their best foot forward? Do we not live in a digital age in which any manner of thing can be manipulated, highlighted, omitted, etc.? I certainly wouldn’t base my entire outlook on another person simply from their handshake. But as humans it really is impossible for us to not to judge or catalog in any sort of manner. Some may do it less than others and not all perceptions are enacted as judgments. The real question is: which things can we see in others that remain true over time? What are true red flags? What are true green flags?

There are dozens of personality tests online and several axis in which I could measure personality and actions. Some may ascribe to astrology or typing to describe actions and follow through. Others use personal experience and sands in the line to determine who they think they are dealing with. Here are some things that I believe traverse culture, gender, religion, and identity.

• How does this person see themselves in relationship with the world?

This relationship typically changes very slowly over time. When you meet someone, there is relative certainty your snapshot of their relationship with the world is accurate unless there is drastic change, change that is probably easy to document or observe. What do I mean by relationship with the world? Well it extends into many things. How does this person handle responsibility? Are all things one on person’s shoulders? Whose? Are things equally divided? Under what circumstance? It’s easy to see this getting quite political, but I’d argue these ideas inform us of a person’s politics rather than the other way around. This question can also get quite abstract and what I found most helpful was to see people with similar positions handle different situations and people with different positions handle similar situations. Isolating situation vs position can help us determine personality.

• How does this person interact with others?

This questions get very tricky, very quickly because of the way to interpret this question. Typically we ask ourselves this question, with ourselves as the object. How does this person interact with me? And, it is just as easy to observe someone interact with another and confuse this interaction or misjudge them. Typically, people are quite conscious of their actions when they are interacting with someone they feel is important. The less important or serious someone thinks of the situation, the less conscious they are. This is how we get stories of people observing how others treat service staff but this is also how we get social media videos of gift giving to the homeless. It’s important to note with this question and with all other questions that this blog post is about getting to know people over time, and with that comes multiple observation points. It is extremely easy to judge or misjudge someone off of one interaction, such as getting cut off in traffic or someone passing on the last slice. Look for interactions that seem genuine or personal and see in which situations does this person act differently.

• How does this person respond to change?

“Change is the only constant in life” -Heraclitus

Our response to change and our observation in others informs us about how we feel about our current situation and our ability to navigate life. Simply put, those who dislike change are those we feel most comfortable in the current situation and do not wish to navigate to any other situation. It’s easy to hand-wave off those who dislike change with the previous sentence, so we have to remember change is often extremely difficult for anyone to handle. Despite that, change is persistently occurring, so it is an important quality to observe in others. This question colloquially comes out as, “Oh he’s just a pessimist,” or “Wow, you’re such an optimist.” Yet the question of how people handle change can vary dramatically from subject to subject. An extremely open minded person could be a stickler for plain foods. I find this question informs me of what values are immutable and which situations are inconsequential, and that can tell you a lot about someone.

• How has this person changed in the last year?

We do ourselves injustices by judging others off of snapshots. These judgments exist because they work in some fashion, some where and in some time, they have helped us avoid working with or dealing with bad situations. We call these red flags. We’ve heard of people counting red flags and either having them whiz by an oblivious person or enacted on and ended by a firm believer. But what I rarely hear is the nuance and the change in judgments about someone. Typically this is because walking back an opinion is not only unsexy, it’s hardly worth sharing. Most opinions people share are face-value, instant reactions, in the heat of the moment, when the conversation was current. Unless people see a strong consequence or result by publicly changing an opinion, there rarely is public display of change of opinion. So to that I say, withhold an opinion if possible until you find it difficult to change your opinion. Easier said than done, as most people have a hard time understanding to what degree they could change their mind on something. But none look more foolish than those who jump from bandwagon to bandwagon with such little conviction of their own. Instead, hold an opinion of someone and have charitable interpretations, opportunities for change, and remove eggshells/landmines in their path before you close the door on your opinion of them. It is highly likely you or I have made a bad impression or snapshot, but quickly made up for it moments or situations later. With all that said, two is a coincidence and three is a pattern, so unless the person is oblivious, it is a conscious behavior and pattern.

These four questions encapsulate all I have to ask about someone after knowing them month after month, from knowing hundreds of acquaintances to making just a few dozen close connections. They are not as punchline or sexy as “Does this person talk behind other’s backs?” or “Is this person a hypocrite criticizing others but not themselves?” Witty and petty remarks can all fall back into these questions.

Remember that all time and effort is finite, so we can understand a lot about someone based on how they spend their time and effort. Spend your time and effort effectively by figuring out what’s important to you and sticking to a positive and constructive mindset. Meet others and find those whose characters match yours. Be the change you wish to see. Answer the questions above with yourself in mind.